1313: Nightmare Mansion

After watching a couple of his previous movies in this genre, I decided to give this latest DeCouteau a gander since it was presented as part of a whole new series (1313) that promised a step upward from previous fare. NOT SO! It was like "Night of the Living Dead in Briefs" without the fright factor. A parade of good looking guys walking around in an ultra modern mansion in their tidy whiteys does not a movie make. Indeed, DeCouteau likes this mansion so much (he probably owns it) that he uses it in other movies in this series as well. Wooden acting, sterile surroundings, no real story, no noteworthy dialogue all overwhelm any attempt to entice a viewer by "eye candy" alone. The entire movie falls flat and is about as titillating as a glass of warm beer that has been sitting around too long on an otherwise empty table. The sexual orientation of the characters is totally irrelevant within the framework of a film that plays more like a third-rate fraternity party gone bad and certainly does not bode well for future 1313s in this series. DeCouteau doesn't even tease any more much less allow any kind of "payoff". He merely parades ciphers in underwear who are lucky to get more than a G rating. Underwear models on TV and billboards are more engaging and deserving of a more restrictive rating.

EROTIC IN A WAY

If you want to see a bunch of guys walking around in tighty whiteys then this you'll be ok with this film. Occasional shower scenes are thrown in with all above the waist shots. The actors seem to have to take cold showers since there is no steam and they never use any kind of soap. The only other thing the do is lay in bed and caress themselves (above the waist only).There is a basic story involved with it, but as with most of the movies from Rapid Heart, it's not something that you'll end up caring about.

Much like the other 1313 movies the plot has been surgically removed and replaced with abs and barely C-grade acting. Filmed at the same mansion as other 1313 movies such as Bermuda Triangle, and Frankenqueen, viewers are treated to the familiar setting and sweet pool in the back. Lacking basically every component moody films strive to have such as a coherent plot, sound design, or a wardrobe, viewers are sure to be treated to 78 minutes of hysteria as 5 dudes and a girl run around trying to figure out where the plot went. Renting this film is easily the best $2 to spend on Amazon.

About 15 minutes into this movie, I realized it could only be entertaining with the assistance of Mary Jane. Not even sexy stud Fabio (or Judson Birza, as he so professionally prefers) from Survivor could salvage this horribly awkward film.The length of each scene is by far what kills this movie. Don't believe me? Skip to last 20 minutes where *SPOILER ALERT* we just see Fabio showering for 10 minutes and then another actor touching himself (?) for the last 10 minutes. Neither of those have anything at all to do with the plot. There are several other examples of this that, while unintentionally hilarious at first, certainly aren't worth your time or money to see.

The story and how it is played out is familiar. The end stunk, like all the rest of 1313's films. I was going to give it one star but I liked a few things about this one. However, right when I was about to post this, I changed my mind. They need to pay me more for that wast of time.

This is one in a series of movies that a B-rate. It's o'k if there is ABSOLUTELY nothing else to watch, read, or do; otherwise, it's not worth it.

All the movies in this series appear to have the same slow moving sequences and plot. Only good for seeing well-built guys in a movie.

I bought this one for the character played by Mr. Doorman. He had the short, black hair. All the guys looked great, but he appealed to me the most. He looked very clean-cut, muscular and All-American. It was wonderful to see him playing in the pool and in his underwear. I can't find this actor in many places, so it was worth it to see this extremely handsome young man in this film.